Wounds not seen
by vampitup1317
Summary: Shepard has lost so many people…crew…friends…family…a few of the crew have been gunning for him. He ignored them until he hears his crew talking about him in the mess as he hangs back in the shadows to listen. And when the bottle breaks?


Wounds not seen

Almost the whole ground team was in the mess and almost none of them noticed Shepard in the shadows. He had just come out of the med-bay after a long conversation with legion. Zaeed and Thane were the only ones that noticed Shepard. Both nodded to him but didn't alert the others to his presence. Shepard knew why they didn't, the conversation was about him. He was about to sneak past them when he heard Jack bring up his name. The gossip was just stories that the others had heard until Samara voiced her thought that the Commander was close to his crew but distant at the same time. Kasumi smirked and said that the Commander had ignored any hint she dropped. That thief, he was going to have a few words with her after about provoking people. The result he was sure that Kasumi expected but Shepard sure didn't. Almost every woman voiced that they had tried to get the Commander to notice them but he ignored them. He snorted silently, with good reason albeit a thin one. In this case even the thinnest reason can be stronger than a diamond and the most painful to deal with. Miranda turned to the Turian and the Quarian.

"Did either of you ever see the Commander with anybody on the first Normandy?" they both took a moment to think about it.

"I used to think that he had something for Ashley but that wasn't true. If anything I think he's not as open as he used to be. It's like the weight of the galaxy is on his shoulders." Tali answered. Chambers nodded in agreement.

"I know for a fact that there is something, some burden that he has." Kelley confirmed. Thane looked at Shepard to see if he would say anything and revile himself. When the Commander made no move Thane spoke.

"The weight of the galaxy is not the burden that Shepard holds." They all looked at Thane, surprised. A thoughtful silence descended on the group. Shepard met Thanes eyes. He knew, maybe not everything, but he knew because he had gone through the same thing. Garrus grunted and all eyes turned to him.

"Alenko, Jenkins, Pressly…" He muttered. Shepard felt his heart twitch with each name. Tali gasped. Everyone looked at her for an explanation.

"I was only there when Alenko died on Vermire," Some understanding showed in everybody's eyes. "The only way to describe the way he looked after was like a shell of what he was before. I don't know how long he went without eating."

"Four days." Garrus grunted. Shepard knew that Garrus knew some of what he was feeling. Those four days came rushing back to Shepard. All those emotion he kept in check started oozing its way out of the bottle he kept them in as he slowly lost control. The name and face of everyone he lost passing through his mind. Soon the emotions went from a trickle to a steady stream. He lost track of the conversation but when he focused back in he heard Miranda talking, she was frowning.

"All that time I spent with him before he started putting this team together he seemed like, I don't know, like he was putting everything in front of his own needs. There were several times when I thought he would break. The strange thing was that the more crew members he recruited the more stable he seemed." Shepard couldn't help himself; a bitter laugh came out of his mouth. Everybody's eyes turned to him, more than one surprised and embarrassed they had been caught talking behind his back. The crew parted before him as he walked to the nearest table. He looked around meeting everybody's eyes. He stopped when he met Miranda's.

"Stable? I have never been stable but I have the drive to keep me on course. When I lost Alenko…" he paused as the thought of showing weakness in front of the crew passed through his mind. The stream had turned into a river and still was getting bigger. The bottle would soon break. He started again. "How many of you still have your mother or remember her? I don't remember either of my parents. I grew up on the streets back on earth. I guess that's where it all started for me, the loss of not ever knowing or having parents. I didn't ever feel like I belonged anywhere until I joined the Alliance." His vision grew blurry as he teared up. A hand rubbed roughly at his eyes. The bottle cracked then shattered.

"That was the first moment I felt like I had a family. Sure I was moved around but my crew became my family. Those people, my crew, gave me something I've never had. I love them for that. Then everything fell apart when we stepped in to a thresher maw nest. I lost most of my family at that time. The person that saved me from that abyss was Anderson." Shepard gave a little laugh. "He actually pressed ganged me into his crew. I had a family. Up to that point I had never fought so hard in my life for anything. I was able to keep them safe until Eden Prime where I lost Jenkins and Nihlus…"

"There was nothing you could do about Nihlus, Shepard." Chakwas said. He looked at her.

"That I know but it doesn't make the loss any easier. Jenkins, Jenkins I could have saved if I had paid more attention." After a moment of silence he continued. "My breaking point was Virmire. I only had time to save one of them…only enough time to save one. I should have been faster. I should have known the geth were going to swarm." He looked at his hands. His tears dropped on to them then slid off on to the floor. "Even now I see their blood dripping off my hands. Thane I can start to see your blood coloring my hands. So much blood…" a hand touched his shoulder he flinched away from it. Tali reached out and put her hand back on the Commanders shoulder. One of his hands covered hers for a moment. He pulled away to face the rest of the crew again.

"I'm sick. I'm sick of my friend's blood on my hands. I'm sick of the loss. I'm sick of losing my family, the ones I love." Suddenly he slammed his hand down on the table startling them all and making a formidable dent. "I swear if any of you die hell will be the least of your worries! I'm not losing another one of you!" he seemed to withdraw into himself. "Please I'm begging you, I am begging you, don't make me go through that again. I don't know if I can take it."

The mess was quiet for several minutes. A chair slid back as one of the crew stood. Shepard looked at the man and for the life of him he couldn't remember the man's name at the moment. The man pulled a knife from the small of his back. The rest of the crew watched him clean under his fingernails.

"I don't know what I could say to ease your fears, Commander. This is war and the unexpected always happens." Shepard nodded in acknowledgement of the man's statement. The man snarled. "If any of you think less of the Commander you are mistaken. What he just showed you is the reason he does the impossible. Does anybody here question his capability to lead this mission?" The man looked around the room meeting everybody's eye. The last pair of eyes he met was Grunt's. No one said anything.

"Good. If anybody had they would have been mine." The man drove the knife he was holding two inches into the metal table. Reaching down the man cut his finger on the knife and held it up for the Commander to see the blood running down his hand. "Family is blood, sir." Kenneth and Gabby looked at each other, both of them stood up to salute the Commander.

"Family." They both said. The rest of the crew quickly followed. Thane bowed at the waist. A smile lit Samara and Kasumi's face. Miranda's eyes looked wet. Jack gave an understanding nod. Mordin was typing on a data pad. Garrus leaned in to say blood brothers. Jacob was turned away from the scene, almost looked like there was something on his cheek. Zaeed remained still watching everybody else. Grunt also remained still but respect shown in his eyes. Tali threw her arms around Shepard. She put her mouth piece close to his ear.

"Can you meet me in engineering in an hour? I have something very selfish to tell you." Looking through her mask, or trying to, he saw her eyes crinkled in a smile.

"I have…I have to tell you something also." Her eyes sparkled then clouded with worry. He leaned close to her 'ear'. After taking a deep breath he bared his heart. "I love you." He quickly turned to the rest of the crew and saluted them the best he could while holding a Quarian. "I promise the rest of you, I will never let fear compromise who I am." With that he turned back to the Qurian to face his fears. His hand was on its way down from his salute when he froze. His left eye started twitching. Tali put a hand to his face.

"Shepard what's wrong?" His eyes looked for the doctors.

"Mordin, Chakwas?" They walked over to see what the Commander wanted. "Could one of you check my wrist, I think I broke it." Zaeed and Grunt's laughter filled the room.


End file.
